Watch Out!

Every marriage will have some conflict.  You simply cannot get two individuals to live their lives together without finding some imperfections.  We all have bad days, we all say things we don't mean, and we all have our selfish moments.  But there are some key things to watch out for. 

Dr. John Gottman, one of the worlds foremost marriage researchers, has found 4 specific types of conflict that are not only dangerous, but in frequent numbers are key indicators of divorce.  They are so toxic to marriages that he calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  They are as follows:

Criticism- This is where you attack your spouse's personality, who they are, instead of what they are doing.  Instead of noticing that your spouse made a mess or forgot to fulfill a commitment, you call them "lazy," or "thoughtless," or worse.  It indicates that some issue has piled up to the point that you don't see the problem at hand, you only see a flawed person.  It does nothing to remedy a situation and only contributes to your own anger and your spouses defensiveness.   

Contempt- This is one step worse than criticism.  It is often manifest in rolling of the eyes, sneering, and completely disregarding your spouses point of view, often with harsh words or emotion.  It is more openly disrespectful than criticism and indicates hopelessness and often results from unhealed relational wounds. Contempt is a powerful poison for marriages.  

Defensiveness- Being defensive when being attacked is a fairly normal response, but it often indicates a breakdown in the relationship. It says that your communication as a couple has become hurtful in someway that leads you to defend yourself.  It comes in the form of denying responsibility, listening purely with the intent to respond instead of to understand, and placing blame.  It is also a key element to turning conversations into arguments, and disagreements info fights. 

Stonewalling- This is where you shut down and leave a conversation emotionally.  It is the "whatever!..." of relationships.  It is the cold shoulder.  Stonewalling indicates giving up.  Relationships in the final stages before divorce are filled with stonewalling.


If you see any of these in your relationship, even minimally, take note and do something NOW!  Thankfully, all of these types of conflict can be overcome.  Often taking time to truly listen and try to understand the other person will do a lot to diffuse these problems.  If your marriage has many of these issues, it is usually necessary to bring in someone outside of the relationship, like a therapist, to help you calm things down and get another perspective.  When emotions get high in a marriage, you can't see the forest for the trees.  

In general, the sooner you put a stop to the conflict, the easier it will be to resolve.  This is why consistent and open communication between spouses is so important.  Add to that some respect and you have the makings for a happy marriage.  Remember, conflict is normal, just not in abundance, and not with disrespect.