How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Love.  No matter how many songs are written about it, no matter how often we feel it, many people still struggle in showing it.  One common problem I hear over and over with the couples I work with is when one spouse doesn't feel loved by the other, and the other spouse feels like he or she is doing all they can to show love, but it is not received.  Often, showing love is not the problem, it is HOW the love is shown.  

In my previous post on the jar method, I mentioned Gary Chapman's book  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.  This book does a great job of explaining one way of looking at the expression of love (remember, love is more than something we feel, it is something we do).  The gist of Chapman's book is that we don't all feel love the same way.  For instance, one person might feel love when their spouse randomly buys them a small gift, while someone else might care less about gifts but a love letter would be like cupid's arrow. Through our upbringing, values, tastes, etc., we all see and feel love differently.  The 5 love languages represent 5 main categories of how people see and feel love.  And here they are:

1. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
2. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.  
3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch:This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

In my experience, most people feel love from more than one "language,"and there very well may be more than just 5, but what is most important is that you get to know how your spouse feels loved. Just because you feel love one way, doesn't mean your spouse feels the same. And people's perceptions can change over time.  What was great when we were twenty might not be that important when we are forty. If you persist in trying to show love in a different "language" than your spouse speaks, you will end up feeling unappreciated and your spouse will feel like you don't care.  So talk with your spouse and find out what their love languages are, and let them know what yours are. And pay attention!  Notice what things are meaningful to your spouse.  When someone gives them a present, how do they respond?  Do they enjoy back rubs or do they glow when someone praises them?   It is so sad when two people who love each other end up struggling because they were speaking the wrong language.  Remember, this is not something we are just born with, and you probably didn't have a class in school on how to show love. So take the time to learn and start speaking the right language.