Amazing sexual experiences as a couple are not natural. That is, great sex is not an innate skill, but something that must be learned together. Just because you know where the hardware goes and can get the job done doesn't mean you are an expert, or that you are even beginning to understand the power and possibilities of this unique, co-creative process.
Let me begin with this caveat: there are so many things at play when it comes to a good sexual relationship and potential dysfunctions that a blog post can barely scratch the surface of this amazing topic. So many elements can help or hinder sexual relationships from biology, to environment, to relationships, to drugs, to history. This post will primarily cover basic principles and is not intended to be sex therapy.
Okay, so how do couples have amazing, mutually fulfilling, heart meltingly great sex?
First: change your goal. The goal of sex in marriage is not to have an orgasm. Don't get me wrong, the orgasm is nice, but it is the process before, during, and after that counts. The goal is a mutually satisfying and relationship deepening experience with your spouse. It is more than physical behavior, it is an interconnection of body, mind, and soul, becoming one in thought, movement, feeling, and attention. Attuning yourself to each other. This begins far before the clothes come off. In fact, every kind word and every mistake play their part. Love each other. Make it about the mutual experience and not merely the happy ending. And more often than not, the ending will be happy, too.
Next: Be open. Talk about sex, before, during, and after. It shouldn't be a lights off, unspoken, "quicky" every time. Both you and your spouse have to acknowledge that you don't know everything, and that you want to make sex the amazing, loving, marriage strengthening experience it can be. Tell each other what you like, what you don't like, what feels good where, etc. Don't assume that your partner can read your grunts or body language, or "should just know." Communicate. Make it an intimate, shared experience, not just each of you doing your thing hoping something great happens. In fact, try looking into each other's eyes during sex. Funny how people can be naked together, but find it too intimate to look into their spouse's eyes.
Remember, sex is a relationship meter. The higher the overall quality of your relationship, the higher the overall quality of your sex. Flaws in your relationship manifest themselves during sex. If you do not feel close to your spouse, you will be more distant in bed. The healthier your relationship is, the better your sex can become. Unfortunately, in the quest for better sex many people turn to pills when they need to turn towards their partner. If you both make sex about the other person and expressing love to your spouse ("making love"), then it is hard to go wrong. The same goes for your marriage.
Many other factors can influence the overall sexual experience: past abuse, body image, cultural expectation, and much more. Sometimes it takes therapy to overcome difficulties in your sexual experience. But in general, the more you make sex an open, mutually caring, and intimate experience, the better it will become. Great sex takes time, and working on it together will bring you closer and strengthen your relationship as a married couple. Even if it is great now, it can always get better. That is what is so amazing about marriage. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it.
And sometimes a "quicky" is nice, too.
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