Listening

Listening is an art that has all but escaped us in our society.  Or at least the type of listening that supports good marriages.  Stephen R. Covey puts it well when he says that often people listen with the intent to respond, instead of listening with the intent to understand.  This is especially true in arguments.

Have you ever ended an argument and realized that you both were arguing the same point, but hadn't taken the time to listen to the other person and really understand what they were saying?    Many fights in marriage can be avoided if we will try and understand the other person's point completely before we come back with our response.  When you listen and try and understand, you automatically put the other person more at ease.  They feel heard, you actually know their side, and then they become more likely to listen to your side as well.   But when you counter each of your spouse's statements with your own thoughts, be they right or wrong, he or she will naturally become defensive out of a feeling of not being listened to or valued.  When it comes to your spouse, you must realize that you married this person for a reason, that they are someone you love and appreciate, and that they deserve the respect of a listening ear.  Even if they are wrong... 

Also, couple's tend to think that after some time together they gain the gift of mind reading.  Sorry, but just because you can finish each others sentences from time to time does not mean you know your spouses every thought and intent.  Often this mind reading leads to a sense that you know where they are going with their thought, so you might as well cut them off, stop them in their tracks, and tell them your side of things. It's an efficiency thing, right?  But it doesn't take a marriage doc to realize that this attitude doesn't make your spouse feel heard or appreciated.  In fact, it is pretty rude.  And we all do it from time to time.  So STOP MIND READING, stop trying to make a point, and take the time to listen and understand your spouse before you respond.  And you just might be surprised at how few arguments you have.


Assumptions are the termites of relationships- Henry Winkler