How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Love.  No matter how many songs are written about it, no matter how often we feel it, many people still struggle in showing it.  One common problem I hear over and over with the couples I work with is when one spouse doesn't feel loved by the other, and the other spouse feels like he or she is doing all they can to show love, but it is not received.  Often, showing love is not the problem, it is HOW the love is shown.  

In my previous post on the jar method, I mentioned Gary Chapman's book  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.  This book does a great job of explaining one way of looking at the expression of love (remember, love is more than something we feel, it is something we do).  The gist of Chapman's book is that we don't all feel love the same way.  For instance, one person might feel love when their spouse randomly buys them a small gift, while someone else might care less about gifts but a love letter would be like cupid's arrow. Through our upbringing, values, tastes, etc., we all see and feel love differently.  The 5 love languages represent 5 main categories of how people see and feel love.  And here they are:

1. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
2. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.  
3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch:This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

In my experience, most people feel love from more than one "language,"and there very well may be more than just 5, but what is most important is that you get to know how your spouse feels loved. Just because you feel love one way, doesn't mean your spouse feels the same. And people's perceptions can change over time.  What was great when we were twenty might not be that important when we are forty. If you persist in trying to show love in a different "language" than your spouse speaks, you will end up feeling unappreciated and your spouse will feel like you don't care.  So talk with your spouse and find out what their love languages are, and let them know what yours are. And pay attention!  Notice what things are meaningful to your spouse.  When someone gives them a present, how do they respond?  Do they enjoy back rubs or do they glow when someone praises them?   It is so sad when two people who love each other end up struggling because they were speaking the wrong language.  Remember, this is not something we are just born with, and you probably didn't have a class in school on how to show love. So take the time to learn and start speaking the right language.
 

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Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.  
~Simone Signoret

Great Sex in Marriage

Amazing sexual experiences as a couple are not natural.  That is, great sex is not an innate skill, but something that must be learned together.  Just because you know where the hardware goes and can get the job done doesn't mean you are an expert, or that you are even beginning to understand the power and possibilities of this unique, co-creative process.

Let me begin with this caveat: there are so many things at play when it comes to a good sexual relationship and potential dysfunctions that a blog post can barely scratch the surface of this amazing topic.  So many elements can help or hinder sexual relationships from biology, to environment, to relationships, to drugs, to history.  This post will primarily cover basic principles and is not intended to be sex therapy.

Okay, so how do couples have amazing, mutually fulfilling, heart meltingly great sex?
  
First: change your goal. The goal of sex in marriage is not to have an orgasm.  Don't get me wrong, the orgasm is nice, but it is the process before, during, and after that counts.  The goal is a mutually satisfying and relationship deepening experience with your spouse.  It is more than physical behavior, it is an interconnection of body, mind, and soul, becoming one in thought, movement, feeling, and attention.  Attuning yourself to each other.  This begins far before the clothes come off.  In fact, every kind word and every mistake play their part.  Love each other. Make it about the mutual experience and not merely the happy ending.  And more often than not, the ending will be happy, too.

Next: Be open.  Talk about sex, before, during, and after.  It shouldn't be a lights off, unspoken, "quicky" every time. Both you and your spouse have to acknowledge that you don't know everything, and that you want to make sex the amazing, loving, marriage strengthening experience it can be.  Tell each other what you like, what you don't like, what feels good where, etc. Don't assume that your partner can read your grunts or body language, or "should just know."  Communicate.  Make it an intimate, shared experience, not just each of you doing your thing hoping something great happens.  In fact, try looking into each other's eyes during sex.  Funny how people can be naked together, but find it too intimate to look into their spouse's eyes.

Remember, sex is a relationship meter. The higher the overall quality of your relationship, the higher the overall quality of your sex. Flaws in your relationship manifest themselves during sex.  If you do not feel close to your spouse, you will be more distant in bed.  The healthier your relationship is, the better your sex can become.  Unfortunately, in the quest for better sex many people turn to pills when they need to turn towards their partner.  If you both make sex about the other person and expressing love to your spouse ("making love"), then it is hard to go wrong.  The same goes for your marriage.

Many other factors can influence the overall sexual experience: past abuse, body image, cultural expectation, and much more.  Sometimes it takes therapy to overcome difficulties in your sexual experience.  But in general, the more you make sex an open, mutually caring, and intimate experience, the better it will become.  Great sex takes time, and working on it together will bring you closer and strengthen your relationship as a married couple. Even if it is great now, it can always get better.  That is what is so amazing about marriage.  The more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

And sometimes a "quicky" is nice, too.

Book Store

I am often asked about books that I would recommend in regards to marriage, parenting, etc.  So, I have created a bookstore with links to books that I recommend on various topics.  The link to my bookstore is in, you guessed it, my links section on the right side of this blog.  Or, you can click here. 

In my bookstore you can read reviews about each book and purchase them through Amazon.com if you are interested.  I have added several titles so far and will continue to add more over time.  If you have any questions about particular books, feel free to comment on any post with your question. 

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"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.  The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage."  ~Robert Anderson

Watch Out!

Every marriage will have some conflict.  You simply cannot get two individuals to live their lives together without finding some imperfections.  We all have bad days, we all say things we don't mean, and we all have our selfish moments.  But there are some key things to watch out for. 

Dr. John Gottman, one of the worlds foremost marriage researchers, has found 4 specific types of conflict that are not only dangerous, but in frequent numbers are key indicators of divorce.  They are so toxic to marriages that he calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  They are as follows:

Criticism- This is where you attack your spouse's personality, who they are, instead of what they are doing.  Instead of noticing that your spouse made a mess or forgot to fulfill a commitment, you call them "lazy," or "thoughtless," or worse.  It indicates that some issue has piled up to the point that you don't see the problem at hand, you only see a flawed person.  It does nothing to remedy a situation and only contributes to your own anger and your spouses defensiveness.   

Contempt- This is one step worse than criticism.  It is often manifest in rolling of the eyes, sneering, and completely disregarding your spouses point of view, often with harsh words or emotion.  It is more openly disrespectful than criticism and indicates hopelessness and often results from unhealed relational wounds. Contempt is a powerful poison for marriages.  

Defensiveness- Being defensive when being attacked is a fairly normal response, but it often indicates a breakdown in the relationship. It says that your communication as a couple has become hurtful in someway that leads you to defend yourself.  It comes in the form of denying responsibility, listening purely with the intent to respond instead of to understand, and placing blame.  It is also a key element to turning conversations into arguments, and disagreements info fights. 

Stonewalling- This is where you shut down and leave a conversation emotionally.  It is the "whatever!..." of relationships.  It is the cold shoulder.  Stonewalling indicates giving up.  Relationships in the final stages before divorce are filled with stonewalling.


If you see any of these in your relationship, even minimally, take note and do something NOW!  Thankfully, all of these types of conflict can be overcome.  Often taking time to truly listen and try to understand the other person will do a lot to diffuse these problems.  If your marriage has many of these issues, it is usually necessary to bring in someone outside of the relationship, like a therapist, to help you calm things down and get another perspective.  When emotions get high in a marriage, you can't see the forest for the trees.  

In general, the sooner you put a stop to the conflict, the easier it will be to resolve.  This is why consistent and open communication between spouses is so important.  Add to that some respect and you have the makings for a happy marriage.  Remember, conflict is normal, just not in abundance, and not with disrespect. 

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“Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.”

-Tom Mullen

Listening

Listening is an art that has all but escaped us in our society.  Or at least the type of listening that supports good marriages.  Stephen R. Covey puts it well when he says that often people listen with the intent to respond, instead of listening with the intent to understand.  This is especially true in arguments.

Have you ever ended an argument and realized that you both were arguing the same point, but hadn't taken the time to listen to the other person and really understand what they were saying?    Many fights in marriage can be avoided if we will try and understand the other person's point completely before we come back with our response.  When you listen and try and understand, you automatically put the other person more at ease.  They feel heard, you actually know their side, and then they become more likely to listen to your side as well.   But when you counter each of your spouse's statements with your own thoughts, be they right or wrong, he or she will naturally become defensive out of a feeling of not being listened to or valued.  When it comes to your spouse, you must realize that you married this person for a reason, that they are someone you love and appreciate, and that they deserve the respect of a listening ear.  Even if they are wrong... 

Also, couple's tend to think that after some time together they gain the gift of mind reading.  Sorry, but just because you can finish each others sentences from time to time does not mean you know your spouses every thought and intent.  Often this mind reading leads to a sense that you know where they are going with their thought, so you might as well cut them off, stop them in their tracks, and tell them your side of things. It's an efficiency thing, right?  But it doesn't take a marriage doc to realize that this attitude doesn't make your spouse feel heard or appreciated.  In fact, it is pretty rude.  And we all do it from time to time.  So STOP MIND READING, stop trying to make a point, and take the time to listen and understand your spouse before you respond.  And you just might be surprised at how few arguments you have.


Assumptions are the termites of relationships- Henry Winkler

Topic Requests.

I would like to hear from you what topics you would be interested in reading on this site.  Comment on this post (via the comment link below the post) and let me know what interests you or what questions you may have about marriage or marriage related issues.  Some examples may include better communication, parenting, sexual matters, taming your arguments, etc.  These can relate to you, a friend, or just general concepts.  If it is a personal matter, email me by going to my private practice website and going to the contact page (I would put the email here directly, but spammers would eat that up).  I will not put any confidential information on this blog, just information on various topics.  So, go ahead, get answers to those burning questions you have and make those relationships stronger and more fulfilling!

Marriage Tip: The Jar Method

I am frequently asked for concrete ways to help improve feelings of love in marriages.  Sometimes it is nice to have something tangible to do instead of merely abstract effort of "trying to love" your spouse.  This is where the jar method comes in.

The idea behind the jar method is that everyone has different things they like, and different ways of feeling loved.  (A great book on this is The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman).  For example: my wife feels love from me when I take out the trash.  I don't even notice if she takes out the trash--sorry sweetheart, its true--, so it does not have the same meaning to me as it does to her.  But, if she expresses her love to me verbally, I feel loved, where as verbal expressions are not as meaningful to her.  We each feel love differently, and we must show love in ways that are meaningful to our spouse. 

This marriage tip helps ensure that you and your spouse consistently show meaningful acts of love to each other.

Here is how it works:

1. Get a jar (or other container) for each spouse.  
2. Each of you write down a list of things that you like the other person to do that shows you love.  Examples may include a candle light dinner, a card game together, a back rub, a love note, etc.  
3. Cut each idea out and place the ideas folded up in your jar.
4. Place your jars in an area where you both will see them.
5. Ever day pull out one piece of paper from your spouse's jar and do it sometime that day (sometimes you may have to get a different one if it cannot be completed that day).

Simple as that.  This way, you are doing something daily to show love to your spouse in a way that is meaningful to them.  Plus, it helps you continue to learn what your spouse likes; what shows love to them. Remember, the feeling of love comes and goes in marriage, but the ACTION of loving your spouse will help nurture the FEELING of love.

Strengthening Marriage and Avoiding Divorce

So you have been married for a while now, and you want to make it last.  You know the statistics.  So many marriages end up in divorce. Maybe things have already started to go downhill and you are afraid you are going to lose your spouse.

What are some of the best ways to strengthen your marriage and get it on solid ground?  Here are five tips to help you avoid divorce and strengthen your marriage.

1. Talk about your relationship frequently.  This doesn't need to be stuffy "determine the relationship" talks.  It needs to be simple and consistent, and is best begun before things start to get too bad.  Talk about what you enjoy about your marriage, and bring up problems while they are small. The more this becomes a habit, the easier it will be and the more comfortable and normal it will become.  Even something as simple as, "is there anything I can do for you to make our relationship even better?" can open the door for a stronger marriage.

2. Don't be a mind reader.  After you have been together for awhile, you may start finishing each others sentences and think you know what your partner is thinking before they even say it. Unfortunately, this can lead to "mind reading," where you assume you know what your partner is thinking or how he or she is feeling.  And often, especially during arguments, you will be wrong.  Try and understand your partner's point of view.

Ask them what they are thinking and make sure you understand their point of view, and hopefully they will do the same for you.  Remember, listen to understand, not so you can defend yourself.  This one thing will do wonders to strengthen and preserve your marriage.

3. Spend quality time together. Quality means mutually satisfying interaction. Going to movies can be fun, but the interaction is minimal.  Go on walks, play sports together, talk, laugh, and have fun.  The important thing is that you are interacting, not just coexisting.

Also, make sure that what you do is enjoyable for both of you.  Just because you like bowling or rock climbing, doesn't mean your spouse does.  And just because they went with you when you first started dating, doesn't mean that they really liked it. Often we will initially do things we don't like just to spend time getting to know someone.  So ask, and make sure that what you are doing is good for both of you, and that you have fun together.

4. Love each other.  Now this seems obvious, but remember, love is not just something you feel, but should also be something you do.  Love may seem to come naturally, but if you want it to stick around, or better yet to grow, you must love (action) your spouse.  This means doing things for your spouse even when it is difficult. It means making their needs, wants, and desires a priority.  It often means doing those things you used to do when you first started dating-you know, the things that you hoped would win the other person over with while you were dating but have stopped doing because you "got" them.

5.  Start early.  The sooner you can address problems, the better.  If you screw up, apologize.  Admit when you are wrong.  Talk about things that hurt you before they become too big to handle. The longer you wait to address an issue, the more things will pile up, emotions will build, and what could have been a simple discussion becomes a major argument, or even contribute to a divorce.

Good relationships take work, and good marriages are worth the work they take.  You cannot always save a relationship from break-up, but these five tips will help you have an edge and give your relationship the help it needs to survive and even thrive.