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Marriage: that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it. 
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Why Pornography and Marriage Don’t Mix

A couple I once worked with told me that a “TV Therapist” was encouraging couples to watch pornography together to improve their sex life. I have heard this before, and unfortunately it is not uncommon for therapists to recommend couples try it. DON’T DO IT! Sure, watching pornography together certainly will stimulate the libido and may even lead to a night or two of passion, but the risks FAR outweigh the benefits. Whether together, or individually, looking at pornography is very damaging to your marriage. Study after study show that pornography hurts marriage, increases the likelihood of divorce, can lead to addiction, and lowers sexual satisfaction in the marriage.

Pornography crops up as a frequent complaint in couples I work with in therapy. Most often, it is a wife that does not like that her husband looks at pornography. (By the way, if something you do hurts your spouse, yet you continue to do it, regardless of seeming silly, trivial, or common, it is abusive). Common complaints from the wife are that she feels less attractive compared to the women her husband is looking at, she feels that she cannot fulfill her husband sexually so he must turn to some other source. The same holds true when women use pornography. I have seen time and time again that pornography viewing by one or both partners leads to distrust, insecurity, and emotional distancing.

Three of the main issues with pornography are:

• Pornography changes how you look at members of the opposite sex- pornography does not portray reality. The pictures and videos show people with makeup head to toe, airbrushed, photo-shopped, and most are barely 18, often doing things many people would be uncomfortable with. They are images of unachievable sexual perfection that does not truly exist. This leads to dissatisfaction with our “real” partners. It also promotes objectification. Pornographic images themselves are objects solely for personal gratification. They exist solely to arouse you sexually. Your spouse is not an object.
• Pornography decreases sexual satisfaction- this has been shown time and time again through both research and observation. Porn can be turned on immediately, no matter the time of day, or circumstance- your partner cannot. You choose what the people look like, how long you stay aroused, and how quickly you climax- you can’t do that with your partner either. It is hard to compete with that...
• Pornography takes the intimacy out of sex- healthy sex in a committed relationship not only feels good, but bonds couples together emotionally. Frequent porn consumption habituates the user to immediate gratification with no need for intimacy, respect, or relationship. Good sex in marriage is more like a dance, with each partner taking their own steps, staying in tune with the other’s needs and desires, and becoming one emotionally. Pornography is one-sided and purely hedonistic.

But some may say, “Come on, I can still have an amazing relationship and enjoy a little porn from time to time. You act like one look at porn will destroy my sex life and my marriage!” True, many people who look at pornography stay married, and have a satisfying relationship. But I know that things could be even better. 

Each time you look at pornography it builds memories of falsely perfect people for comparison with your partner (conscious or unconscious), associations of sexual arousal towards someone who is not your spouse, instant gratification (when such is rarely the case in real life), and numerous other distractions from a quality relationship. Like small raindrops can eventually erode a rock, each time leaves its mark in your brain. Why make things more difficult than they have to be in your relationship? Why not strive for deeper intimacy in your marriage, for better sex with your spouse, and for greater attraction to your amazing yet imperfect spouse? If people spent the same amount of time on their relationships as they do searching for and using pornography, they would have far greater sexual satisfaction in their marriages. If you are already having problems in your marriage, pornography will guarantee things will get worse. So turn off the porn, and turn towards your spouse!

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"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

-Tom Robbins